O, Brother, Where Art Thou?
by SakuraAkiko
Summary: The silverhaired trio blast off at the speed of light, using the planet as their vessel to find their long lost brother. What will Kadaj do to get rid of the unwanted baggage and what will happen when Cloud gets in the way of Mommy's orders? AU Nonslash
1. Chapter 1

O, Brother, Where Art Thou?

by SakuraAkiko

Disclaimer: I do not own any Final Fantasy Characters, names, places, or whatever. That would be cool, but I can claim whoever I want at Iwannaclaim at livejournal. :D Anyway...

Chapter 1:

* * *

Kadaj slammed the door angrily behind him. Dust fell like rain from the chandelier above him. He scowled. Kadaj closed his eyes and leaned against the door. The message that he just received made him want to blow something up. It was not fair. Why did he always have to do what Mother said? He always seemed to listen to her anyway, but could he refrain from listening to her just this once? No, if he didn't do what she asked, then she would just get his older brother, Sephiroth, to do it. 

A muffled voice from the other side of the door demanded his attention.

"Kadaj, open the door!" Loz whined.

Kadaj's scowl deepened. "Brothers…" he muttered under his breath. He turned back to the door, unlocked it and opened it with a fake smile plastered on his face. He bowed elaborately and opened the door wide, "Hurry. We've got work to do." And with that, Kadaj's smile disappeared.

Yazoo sneezed as he followed. Loz coughed loudly and said, "This place is so old. It has so much dust."

"_Really?_" Kadaj retorted.

Yazoo joined in, "I thought this place was new, Loz. It was only built five hundred years ago."

Kadaj led his brothers through the rest of the old and maze-like halls, silently, through Nebelhiem Mansion to the library in the farther most corner of the spacious house.

They made it to the library where he motioned for his brothers to sit. They chose rickety chairs next to a chipped antique desk on what seemed to be a very old computer. Kadaj began pacing back and forth in front of the door, every time he passed a ray of sun coming through the dusty window reflecting off of his shoulder-length hair. Yazoo yawned and leaned back against the desk on the back legs of the chair.

Loz glared at him in silence. Last time Loz had tried to lean back in his chair, the back legs had broken, he had fallen hard onto a pile of sharp wood splinters and broken his tail-bone. He wasn't about to try _that_ again, not only because of that experience, but because he had gained a few pounds of muscle in his upper body and had the largest body structure of all his brothers. Leaning back in his rickety chair was the worst thing he could do. He shifted cautiously. The chair creaked loudly and Loz winced. He glared at Yazoo as a little child would show to an older sibling that got what he wanted.

Yazoo noticed this and cast an arrogant grin at Loz. Yazoo was athletic, though not as buff as Loz, had a limber and thinner form and contained quite a few more brain cells than his brother. Although the oldest, he didn't look a day older than his youngest brother, Kadaj, and preferred to follow him instead of leading the silver-haired trio.

Yazoo cleared his throat. Kadaj still paced.

"Why were you in such a hurry to get here if you aren't going to tell us what is going on?" Yazoo asked, irritated. Kadaj stopped, his hair glinting in the sunlight. His head turned slowly, followed by the rest of his body before he said a word.

"Mother has given me a message," he paused, waiting to see how his brothers would react. They didn't. It was not new news that Kadaj would get a telepathic message from mother while they would get left in the dark. Kadaj continued nonchalantly, "She told us that we have other members of our family that she wants us to reunite with."

Loz's face was blank, "Who are we supposed to find?" His face became more confused as he thought about it, "Big Brother? I thought we have– "

Yazoo leaned forward, putting all four legs of the chair firmly on the floor. His face was serious, "She is not talking about Big Brother."

It was not a question, but a statement that showed he was as cunning and quick as the man he was created to be like.

Loz's face continued to be blank. Then he appeared as if his brain was working hard. Kadaj and Yazoo looked at each other and then at Loz. They wondered if he could figure it out for himself. Surprise slowly dawned on Loz's face, "My little brother!"

Loz jumped up from his chair, "I remember him! He's the one you dropped off on a random planet when we were younger." He had pointed at Kadaj, who scowled and mumbled something about the youngest stealing all the attention from Mother. Loz continued to talk about how much fun he had playing in the science labs and air ducts of their "father's" office building with the littlest brother.

The science labs were where they grew up. At the beginning, Mother's cells were experimented with, creating Sephiroth, their older brother. Of course, they weren't actually brothers, but clones with various traits amplified in each specimen. That is what Kadaj hated most about being alive, that and he was always referred to as an inferior being to Sephiroth, or a number. He was number 69686. He didn't know how many mistakes it took until they finally got to him. Kadaj hated that because he was just like the other four surviving clones and not in control of his life that the scientists had given him. That is why they all ran away. He needed to escape the torment and they gladly followed. Loz's positive monologue of memories pulled him out of his thoughts. He was always the childish one who never understood anything.

"– And we always mixed the frog eggs and salamander eggs to pull a prank on Dr. Hojo because he's the one who gave our little brother that tail he hated so much. And another time, we– "

"We already heard these stories, Loz," Kadaj drawled, stalked over to an old shelf of books, pulled a random book off and began flipping through pages. Loz still went on about various pranks not caring that his brothers weren't listening to him.

"A book of planets?" Yazoo asked. "You mean you forgot what planet you dropped him off at?"

Kadaj didn't look up, flipping through pages as he talked, "I remember where I put the brat…in Terra."

Loz snapped out of his happy memories and looked offended, "He wasn't a brat, you meanie! He was my friend. And you liked him, too, don't forget."

Kadaj continued like he had not heard a thing, "… I don't remember what galaxy it was in…Aha! Here it is." He looked up, triumph in his eyes, "The Snickers Galaxy."

"That's an odd name for a galaxy," Yazoo commented.

"You're face is an odd name," Loz sniggered.

"Shh!" Kadaj put his hand up and waited until they were looking at him. "We have to find Hojo's old lab."

"Why?"

Yazoo sighed, "If you shut up, Loz, then he would tell us!"

"We need to find Hojo's lab _because_ it has the lab with the controls that will enable us to move the planet. And…" He glared at Loz, daring him to interrupt, then took a breath, "And because we lack a ship that can travel in space, this is our only option."

"That is _impossible_. It defies the laws of the universe." Yazoo countered. That couldn't be possible.

"Actually," Kadaj smiled. "It is possible."

The shock did not leave his brother's faces. "H-how?" Loz stuttered. "Well, the controls in Hojo's old lab centralize the strength of the gravity on various parts of the planet to help it move from neighboring planet to other star systems. Basically, the planet pulls itself along using its own gravity and the gravity of the other planets," Kadaj sighed dramatically. "Unfortunately, this does not affect any life forms on any planet, including ours."

"What a shame," Yazoo said. "I was hoping to get cries of agony from Big Brother."

"Do I get to play with him when we get there?" Loz asked excitedly.

Kadaj sighed, "Sure, Loz. As long as you two don't fight on the way back to our galaxy."

"Yay!" Yazoo leaned back in his chair again, "So, how do we find Hojo's lab?"

Kadaj leaned back on the book shelf, I don't remember where it is, but I know some people that would."

"Who?"

"Well," Kadaj began pacing again. "There is Big Brother, and Hojo's old boss, Rufus Shinra. From what Mother told me, Big Brother should be visiting Shinra within an hour at Healin Lodge. We can force the directions to the lab out of them. And if that doesn't work, we can always kidnap those kids that Big Brother takes care of. If he doesn't talk, then the kids get to swim in the river."

Yazoo smiled, "When do we leave?"

"Now."

* * *

It's me again. How'd you like it so far? I'd say read and review, but I've been through that drivel. I can't really give you anything but happy feelings that you made someone's day by reviewing. Whether or not you review, I'm continuing it for my own enjoyment. I've made a goal that I will complete this story no matter what. 


	2. Chapter 2

O, Brother, Where Art Thou?

by SakuraAkiko

Disclaimer: I do not own any Final Fantasy Characters, names, places, or whatever... I wish. T.T I also do not own anything of Panasonic...except that TV in my family room and maybe a universal remote. I also do not own YouTube, er, livejournal, the trees or bushes mentioned in this story, or the wasteland. It's also quite a shame that Reno or Rufus can't be put on a leash. I have a new idea for They should rate the disclaimers. This one would totaly get T. Sorry, I'm dragging on the disclaimer. I should just make them short and sweet from now on.

Chapter 2:

* * *

Yazoo and Loz pulled up on either side of a rusted sword sticking out of the ground. Kadaj joined them on his matching stolen standard Shinra motorbike and kicked the sword over, taking out his flash of temper that he usually got when around his brothers. All three turned the bike motors off and stared over the cliff at the once shining city of Midgar. They were hoping to ambush their older brother before he dropped by Healin Lodge, but there was still no sign of him. 

"Hey, Kadaj," Yazoo gestured with his head. "Is that where Big Brother lives?"

Kadaj was watching the city intently as if the Chocobo-brained man would come out to greet them, but he knew that would never happen.

"Yeah."

"Do you think he'll be glad to see us?"

Kadaj almost snorted, "Not a chance!" Did they already forget that they tried to kill him at least five times before Mother told them that he was valuable?

"Don't cry, Yazoo," Loz tried sounding tough. A feeble attempt to get back at his brother for hurtful comments said was answered with a lack of retort.

"But Mother's with him." Yazoo almost pouted. Kadaj pushed back the thoughts of anger floating through his head. Yazoo had always been a Momma's Boy.

Kadaj covered frustration up with a half-laugh, "Maybe not."

Yazoo took that small pause of unexplanation of Kadaj's remark to get back at his younger brother, "Don't cry, Loz."

Kadaj heard sobs from behind his left shoulder. Apparently, Loz also cared for his Mother, but it seemd they had already forgotten entirely of their mission Mother sent them on to find their littlest brother. Geez, even after all the genetic experiments done to them they still had ADHD and were distracted like butterflies.

A rumble of a motor in the canyon below them caught his attention. He could faintly see a trail of dust following a man with spikey blonde hair riding a jet black motorbike.

"Hold on...He's coming."

A slight movement of his head gave Loz and Yazoo the signal to go and have their fun. They sped straight off the cliff toward Big Brother. Kadaj raised his hand to summon his four-legged beasts for entertainment. Then he got off his bike and leaned against it, watching his brothers in amusement before he decided to call Shinra.

He took out his Cloud Black FOMA P900iV and speed dialed Shinra's phone number at Healin Lodge. He would have bought one in Bronze Orange, or even Champagne Gold, but when a person gathers someone's belongings after attacking them, one might as well take what he is given. The phone rang softly as he thought about how angry he was when Shinra's coptor got away with Mother. He was perfectly justified in taking out his anger on the black suited man and woman...and then taking what spoils he could find. A male voice answered the phone.

"Yellow?"

"I would like to speak to President Shinra." Did no one ever teach him not to answer the phone with a color? His mind was obviously very simple.

"He's in a meeting."

"I don't think so. He knows I know where Mother is."

"We don't have Jenova."

What a lier, "Don't tell me you're leading me on...because I think you do have Mother there."

An explosion seemed to happen on the other side of the line, "Why would I lead you on? That's gross, man! I don't swing that way! And we don't have your mom!"

Kadaj laughed, but his voice became serious at the turk's sputterings of frustration, "I don't want to talk to you anymore. Put the president on."

Meanwhile, the turk with bright red hair was mouthing to his partner, who had unfortunately walked in the room at the wrong time, a summary of what Kadaj was saying in disgust. He gasped, covered the mouthpiece, then whispered, "Rude, he wants to talk to Shinra!"

The man named Rude shrugged; he had no idea what to do. They never received training of how to get rid of deadly clones.

Kadaj was still talking, "I have something important to discuss with the president...other then the situation of Mother."

The red haired man gestured to the phone, mouthing what Kadaj was saying now to Rude.

Rude sat down in a couch set near a fish aquarium and placed his hands behind his head, leaning back, "Reno, just tell him that Shinra is in a meeting."

Reno looked at the ceiling, saying to Rude that he had already tried it, but gave in. ."Uh...He's in a meeting."

Rude gave him a quizzical look and looked at the ceiling; nothing was there. Reno refocused on the conversation at hand. He would have to explain later that this was one of the five times in his life he had prayed.

"Shinra is no longer in power...I highly doubt he had a meeting." Kadaj smiled at the silence from the other end, then added, "Well, then, I will show up in a short while for a walk-in meeting with him, if you won't hand him the phone."

Kadaj waited as patiently as he could for an answer from the other end. Unfortunately, Reno was unable to answer. He had started to frantically pace the lounge trying to figure out how to deter the maniac from coming to the Lodge when the asylum break-out said "show up...for a walk-in meeting". Reno had jumped at that and accidentally dropped the phone into the aquarium. As soon as he had fished it out from between the beta and a gold fish Kadaj was no longer on the line and the phone was waterlogged. Rude had glared over his shades and Reno laughed nervously at the thought of who would tell Shinra the news that a man whose elevator did not reach the pent-house would be visiting.

Kadaj glared at the phone for a moment flipped the phone shut and hoped to the powers that be that the small blessing of meeting up with Cumulus, or Stratus, or whatever, wasn't wasted because of the attention span of his brothers. He looked in the distance at all of his summoned beasts pouncing on Big Brother in unison. He would have liked to see how Chocobo-brain could have escaped that, but his brothers still needed to find out where the planet's controls were. Kadaj lifted his hand lazily, causing the beasts to disappear. He straddled his bike and took off over the cliff. His brothers were coming straight at him so he turned quickly, narrowly avoiding a scrape of metal. They raced through the wilderness, heading for the infamous Healin Lodge, one of the last standing Shinra buildings on the planet.

Some time later Loz was riding with his brothers along an expansive waste daydreaming of the fun that he would have as soon as he got his littlest brother back. Yazoo was thinking deeply of how the reunion would affect him after Sephiroth would return. Kadaj wasn't thinking of the future, however. He was thinking of the past. He never really had a past other than the few memories of the lab where experiments were done to them. He could easily forget the pain inflicted upon him when he caused pain to others. He was cruel, but he was just a clone, an attempted copy of Sephiroth, an inferior being who only received a portion of the qualities that his brother possessed. And now he had a job to do for that mother that would never love him more than his eldest brother. He wanted those who had love to be miserable like unto himself.

Kadaj pushed on the gas and sped faster up the mountain road. His brothers followed close behind him. Yazoo heard Loz chuckle quietly as they passed a road sign. In large letters it said 'Healin Lodge' and had an arrow pointing up the fork they just sailed passed. If President Shinra really did want to hide then he should not have huge road signs to show them the way.

The youngest of the three ended his thoughts of cruelly killing the scientists who worked on him when he stepped off his bike. Yazoo examined the ground and looked at Kadaj. Kadaj had also noticed that the only sign Cloud had been there were the tire tracks of his bike, Fenrir, going in a whole new direction away from the lodge. Loz shrugged. Yazoo copied. Loz scowled at Yazoo and Yazoo scowled back. Kadaj shook his head in bewilderment. Were his brothers _ever_ going to grow up?

There was a crashing sound from inside the building. Kadaj smiled. There was someone in the lodge. By the sounds of "HOLY #&$#, Rude! THEY'RE HERE!" there were more than one. "Hide the President!"...And the president was there, as well.

Kadaj turned to Loz and Yazoo, who had already jumped back on their bikes. He nodded and they took off, Loz following the tracks from Fenrir and Yazoo going back to Midgar to gather the children for Reunion. Kadaj sighed and easily ascended the stairs to the front door of the lodge. They had to find Mother AND get their littlest brother back for the reunion. _Multi-tasking is such a chore._

"Reno! Shut your mouth!" a deep voice sounded from just inside. "Someone is at the door!"

Kadaj smirked and walked right in. Two Turks stood side by side, one had goggles tucked into his bright red hair, and a metal rod for a weapon; the other had no hair, but flashed a pair of expensive sunglasses and had slightly darker skin then his counterpart and the match for the red-haired man's weapon. A man in a wheelchair was right behind them covered in a large cloak shading his face.

"You are not welcome here," the man in the wheelchair spoke.

Kadaj smiled, "I was expected."

He chuckled when the Turks took defensive positions. The sound of music (a/n: haha) came out of nowhere. Reno and Rude brought their guard down for one second wondering why there was a battle theme. Kadaj sighed and took his cell phone from a small pouch on his sword harness. He flipped it open in frustration and pulled his hair away from his ear for a more comfortable phone conversation.

"What?" Kadaj snapped. Then turned to the Turks now giving him a strange look, their defensive stances waning, "I really need to take this call. Can you wait for a moment?"

Reno and Rude looked at him like he had grown an extra head. Kadaj scowled at them and walked through the door to the porch. Heck, the previous owner might have paid an arm and a leg for the phone (a/n:hahahaha, paid an arm and a leg...get it? Tseng and Elena? haha-...sorry), but it still did not have the best reception in the middle of nowhere.

"What did you say?"

It was his brother, Yazoo. "After I find the kids...what do you want me to do with them?"

Kadaj sighed in exasperation, "You get them all together and take them to the Forgotten City, remember?"

"Yes. I was just making sure."

He needed to hold his temper in check. With a steady voice, barely containing frustration, he asked, "Are you sure now?"

"Yes. Thanks." There was a small click from the other end and Kadaj, for the second time that day, looked as if he would kill whoever was on the other side of the phone line. _Well, I can get one of them now._

Kadaj smiled and entered the lodge again. They had not even locked the door in an attempt to stop his entry. Reno and Rude were still stationary, in the same position that he had left them in, but the president had wheeled himself closer to a door which appeared to lead deeper into the lodge.

The two turks readied themselves. Kadaj unsheathed his sword and only after a few seconds of kneeing in the gut and slashes, both were down and at his mercy.

Rufus Shinra had a disgusted look on his face as Kadaj snaked his way between his fallen and writhing bodyguards.

"Hello, Mr. President." Kadaj extended his arms and bowed mockingly. "It's so good to see that you are well."

Shinra's expression became one of hatred. Kadaj chuckled, "Now, now, sir. You knew I was coming. Especially your unfortunate bodyguards..."

He sighed, sheathed his sword and leaned against a wall, folding his arms. "I'm sure you know what we're after."

"Your mother."

"Yes, yes, that, too," Kadaj snapped and turned to face Shinra. "But we need not only Mother, but the rest of our family for our Reunion. Mother has ordered it."

Rufus stayed silent. He had no idea where this was going, but he knew he would not like it, especially from a madman who thought remnants of cells could talk.

"Where is Hojo's old lab?"

Shinra _really_ didn't like it. Anything that had to do with old laboratories, or Hojo for that matter, were bad news.

"Come on now, President. Just answer the question."

"...In the basement of the Northern Cave."

"That wasn't so hard, was it?" Kadaj chuckled darkly. "Of course, I _know_ you are not telling the truth. Do you really think I'm that stupid?"

Shinra stayed silent. Kadaj was right. There was no basement in Northern Cave.

"Now, will you tell me the truth?"

The president looked over at Reno and Rude who were still groaning and writhing in pain. They were Turks, which meant they knew they could die at any time, but they were ShinRa's finest, including Tseng and Elena, all who were injured by Kadaj's gang. ShinRa Company would never be the same again with them to start it off, even if it was rebuilt. But if he himself was not around, there would be no one to make up for the damage done to the planet..._at least some of it. _He would have to give up something to save their sorry skins.

"You are trying my patience, sir." Kadaj warned and again took out his double-bladed sword.

Rufus turned back to Kadaj and told him the last piece of information he had to give to stay alive. If there was any chance that they happen to ask about their "mother", Rufus Shinra would say, 'Over my dead body.'

* * *

Thanks for reading. This story is AUish because my imagination wants this a certain way. It will be a little rough in this chapter and probably the one after this, but then the fun stuff will reveal itself. This story came to mind when my sister and I were talking about the five remnants of Sephiroth. We immediately thought of Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo, but what of the two others? The 'littlest brother' and 'annoying nusance' are what floated through our minds. That's how this story came into frution. 

This chapter followed Advent Children a little bit...like dialogue in some places. In my fanfiction, I like to show the readers my interpretation of what the viewers of the movie or game _didn't_ see, savvy? So that's why Kadaj's little convo with Rufus is a little messed from the movie. We already know what he said in the movie so I wasn't about to have the movie replay in the fanfic. I might as well embed the movie from YouTube, so not worth it.

Anyway, I give reviewers little Kadaj plushies. :D Reviews are appreciated, though not required.

Time out! I realized that this story is Parody/Drama...is there such a thing? and another question...should I change this to Humor instead of parody? Humor in drama is better, yes/no?

Also, this is a MUST: If you see any grammer/spelling errors, please tell me. I'm usually good with that stuff, but people make mistakes. And plotholes. I know it's only the second chapter, but plotholes are bad. Sometimes I re-word something, but it turns out way different than I originally planned, therefore creating a plothole. I need your help on spotting those, too. Thanks!


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